Tag: couples counseling

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Conflict and Intimacy

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I was just thinking about the unspoken expectations we carry about happy couples; and one of the most commonly idealized and fiercely defended is that “we never fight”.
Couples who never fight build a reservoir of unresolved troubles they attempt to sail over. They often pick up the rug labeled “Women!” or “Men!” and sweep the mess under that. Quietly resentment and disrespect builds. If there is no grappling with the problem, then contempt will ripen and contempt is a relationship killer.

I believe couples who ‘never fight’ probably take for granted the important repair work they perform on behalf of their marriage. These repairs happen when partners engage in acts of maturity that serve to strengthen their bond rather than shield it. They may not even notice that they dismiss some annoyance and shift their attention to a positive aspect of their partner, or engage in positive self talk. Its more likely they will wait and think about their distress before they confront anyone; which allows them to have a more thoughtful and less emotional conversation, opening doors to creative resolution. These acts of maturity serve to strengthen relationships through repair and resolution. Good repairs create even stronger bonds of intimacy.

What about emotions? When we are highly emotional we do not have full clarity about anything other than our feelings. Using those feelings to inform our positions is a fantastic resource. But high emotion won’t support respectful dialogue with those who disagree. Staying connected through conflict to resolution is an incredible magic trick that builds LOVE LOVE LOVE! Very sexy, VERY desirable. Many couples learn these skills over time, many learn these skills in therapy. Talk with each other and decide how good your conflict to intimacy skills are. Never hesitate to ask for help. You deserve it.
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Talk, before there’s trouble…

If you ask marriage therapists about their most challenging cases, you will often hear that these couples sought help long after their first serious problems.

Marriage trouble is intensely personal. Few of us have seen our parents model the use of couples counseling. And, it’s hard to invest in a process where we become vulnerable, can’t predict how it will unfold, and do not have guaranteed outcomes.

What is predictable is that all marriages will have difficult times. Asking for help early is a predictor of success in couples counseling. Marriage is an incubator for grown-ups.   Lovers and newlyweds never begin life together fully mature.  Making effective use of that incubator is much easier with help from a compassionate, competent professional.

One study of 1000 engaged, married, and divorced people indicates that couples counseling is very common among certain age groups. Check it out here.

 

 

 

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After the Honeymoon

Sam was a brilliant businessman, intellect, and romantic. He married Tia, a lovely aspiring singer, taking her to a beautiful, remote spot in a foreign land to propose. It literally mirrored a scene from a movie they saw together when they first met and fell in love. Marrying a beautiful, equally intelligent, and charming woman who would make an attractive partner and who also held strong family values was about the best thing he could imagine happening to him. He was happy to support her aspirations to perform, however, a few years into the marriage, when Tia began to find success, travel more, and be emotionally consumed in challenging projects he felt cheated. Continue reading “After the Honeymoon”