I was just thinking about the unspoken expectations we carry about happy couples; and one of the most commonly idealized and fiercely defended is that “we never fight”.
Couples who never fight build a reservoir of unresolved troubles they attempt to sail over. They often pick up the rug labeled “Women!” or “Men!” and sweep the mess under that. Quietly resentment and disrespect builds. If there is no grappling with the problem, then contempt will ripen and contempt is a relationship killer.
I believe couples who ‘never fight’ probably take for granted the important repair work they perform on behalf of their marriage. These repairs happen when partners engage in acts of maturity that serve to strengthen their bond rather than shield it. They may not even notice that they dismiss some annoyance and shift their attention to a positive aspect of their partner, or engage in positive self talk. Its more likely they will wait and think about their distress before they confront anyone; which allows them to have a more thoughtful and less emotional conversation, opening doors to creative resolution. These acts of maturity serve to strengthen relationships through repair and resolution. Good repairs create even stronger bonds of intimacy.
What about emotions? When we are highly emotional we do not have full clarity about anything other than our feelings. Using those feelings to inform our positions is a fantastic resource. But high emotion won’t support respectful dialogue with those who disagree. Staying connected through conflict to resolution is an incredible magic trick that builds LOVE LOVE LOVE! Very sexy, VERY desirable. Many couples learn these skills over time, many learn these skills in therapy. Talk with each other and decide how good your conflict to intimacy skills are. Never hesitate to ask for help. You deserve it.
Couples therapy is increasingly important and relevant with the rates of divorce and separation climbing. For those who are struggling with relational problems or considering ending their relationship, couples therapy is a tool for managing conflict and making healthy choices. For those who are married, partnered, considering making a long-term and hopefully, final commitment couples therapy can be a great resource to building intimacy and resiliency for the challenges every couple and family face. Finding a therapist who respects the strengths of your connection and who will take a strengths-based approach is important.
In many years of clinical practice, I’ve learned creating a strong, intimate connection in your marriage is the most important, most meaningful, and most challenging work that you can do. It matters to your relationship, to your kids, and your legacy as a human. Despite the challenges facing all couples these days, marriage is the primary tool available to you for personal development and maturity. (I use the word marriage in the most inclusive sense, honoring those who are not permitted to legally marry and their relationships.) Continue reading “Couple’s Therapy”
I’m 25, we’ve just been married a year, and I’m happy… but seriously disappointed by our sex life. It’s over too fast for me to climax. How do I tell my husband about this? I don’t want to break his heart or his pride.
Ok, this is difficult, but everyone has to learn to do it. By “it” I mean talking about sex, not just doing it. It’s best to choose a relaxed, semi-quiet time, when having sex is not on the agenda. I think it’s great to ask for permission to bring up a delicate topic and create a playful, non-anxious attitude in your own heart at the same time.
It takes a long time, sometimes a lifetime, to get full “ownership” of our sexuality. And 25 is still young for that level of maturity. Continue reading “Talking about sex”